Drummer Wanted for NY-Based Prog Band

"Stumpy" Pepys

Dream Theater singer James LaBrie has announced that the metal band is currently auditioning drummers, and that they've narrowed the search down to seven sticksmen. Here's the Hair Whip list of possible candidates to take over the two stools behind Mike Portnoy's ginormous triple-wide kit.

John "Stumpy" Pepys

Great look. Great drummer. Died in a 'bizarre gardening accident." Here, playing "Gimme Some Money."

Dale Doback
Currently finishing his third annual apperance at the Catalina Wine Mixer, Dale is good at accompanying operatic vocals in Prestige Worldwide. This makes him an ideal fit for Dream Theater. And he can do backup vocals too!

Chuck, the Octopus Drummer
Has the dexterity and the required limbs to play Portnoy's megakit. He's not selfish--he'll work for shellfish.

"Tick-Tock" Simpson
Up-and-coming young hopeful from the Springfield juzz community.
And he's played with (and against) the White Stripes.

AH-NI-MAL!

R. U. Drum-booey
Currently touring South America with some Canadian prog band. Should be available after the tour.

This Anonymous Dude
Like Mike Portnoy, he's really good at throwing sticks. Catching them might be a problem.

And our strongest candidate:

Animal
If Portnoy could split time between Avenged Sevenfold and Dream Theater, this powerful percussionist could divide his time between DT and the Electric Mayhem. And he can sing backup growl vocals on "This Dying Soul."

Now if we could just get Floyd to take over for John Myung....